I had a better time in labour than watching that...

Labour with a ten pound breech baby has got to be easier the watching Trump address Congress... please can I have an epidural???

‘God, make it stop’, I pleaded as the ravages of labour coursed through my body. ‘I can’t take any more’. Still, it was a much more pleasant experience than the shitshow I have just witnessed. Felon Trump’s address to Congress. Just like the contractions of labour sent my body into spasm, so did he. The blows that reigned down from the Felon’s mouth hit hard. Blow after blow of lies, inaccuracies, incendiary language, cynical and cruel manipulation, all delivered in the pure bat-shittery style of a washed-up reality TV star who has not yet realised that the show is over.

As in labour, there was a part when it became so painful I began to hallucinate. I was sure I was hearing people cheer and clap at the announcement of a frieze of foreign aid, withdrawal from Paris Climate Agreement, the WHO and UN along with the end of the DEI. Was I going mad, or are they? Who the hell would clap that? Oh, for some gas and air to relieve this agony.

Thankfully labour is a private affair, but this spectacle was well observed. I salute the courage of those Democrats who sat there and resisted the urge to tackle the secret service and punch Trump in the face. Props Democrat Al Green who refused to take his seat – ironic as Trump would be one of the first to deny him a seat at any bus or table.

Melania was there as ever, under strict instructions to wave and smile in the right places. She had upped her medication for the occasion (or he had upped it for her). Seated behind the Felon, the long lashed bitch Vance clapped like a demented seal (but his eyeliner was en pointe as ever). Mike Johnson (or the harebrained Harry Potter as I call him) joined in the circus, standing to attention, clapping on cue, pulling faces and nodding like a novelty dog. What a guy!

Promises were made. The cost of eggs is coming down. Unless of course you are buying them in which case they remain firmly up. The Felon is going to bring in a vote for tax cuts. I am going to go to the gym every morning at 6 a.m. and have a body like Elle Mac Pherson by summer. See you can say anything you want; you don’t have to actually deliver.

The Muskrat got a shout out. As ever he did not know what do with his hands but at least there were no Nazi salutes this time. Trump waxed lyrical about the spurious DEI projects that were costing America money and how he had put a stop to them. He didn’t provide any evidence of these projects, and I will take every word back it anyone can show me a transgender mouse.

Like labour every minute felt like a lifetime as he pressed on, cynically exploiting the distressing stories of a teenage deep-fake porn victim, a cancer- ridden young boy and the grieving families of children murdered by immigrants (presumably the tortured families of children murdered by Americans did not make the cut).

The lucid state continued. The felon claims there are ‘trillions ‘of dollars being poured into America – are y’all feeling rich out there? The streets are now rid of criminals (as most of them were illegal immigrants) and the cartels are a thing of the past. Which seems strange as there has been a surge in American passport applications from concerned citizens who are plotting to get the hell out of dodge! Good news is though America is going to be ‘great again’ in the ship making business – presumably to ferry its many despairing citizens as far away as possible.

Oh and RFK Junior is going to ‘solve the problem of autism’ and ‘one way or another’ America is going to get its hands on Greenland. Now I want a full body epidural.

Like labour (or a cheap day time soap opera) the Felon saved the bit we were all waiting for until last. What did he have to say about Ukraine? Well apparently ‘lots of good things are happening’ and America and Ukraine are ‘getting on very well’. Not what the rest of the world saw last Friday, but Trump continued with his global-scale gaslighting. Absolute hero and true president Zelenskyy had been in touch. Apparently, Zelenskyy does ‘really value’ the efforts of America. Bravo to Zelenskyy to being able to face corresponding with the Felon again and for cleverly omitting the word ‘thank you’ from that correspondence. Class act. Meanwhile the illegal war in Ukraine rumbles on (details, details, Trump is going to solve this, nobody panic).

The batshittery continued. I was losing the will to live, and my teenage daughter was shouting “Turn it off! It’s crap!”. She made a good point.

Unlike labour there was no bouncing baby at the end of it (a triumphant toddler maybe). There was no kindly midwife to mop my sweaty brow and offer me a delicious piece of buttered toast and a cup of hot tea (In Britain this is a thing. The tea and toast mothers are served post-delivery is the best meal you will ever have– I should know, I was a Midwife). Like labour though, I feel like I need a shower, it will take time to recover, and I never want to go through that again. Kettle has just boiled. I am off for the second-best cup of tea of my life!

If you enjoy my work, please feel free to subscribe, like and restack. Spread the word, I really am sick of this shit.