The secret birthday messages Trump didn't want you to see *honest

Scene stealer Trump betrays Army veterans but our White House insider gets revenge.

Welcome back to Sick of this shit (SOS). A common-sense view from a viral sensation middle-aged tea-drinking British housewife and mother who is old and angry enough to say what needs to be said. I’m drinking Chamomile tea this week. I need a bit of calm. It’s been a hell of a weekend…

Imagine it’s your wedding. Everyone turned out in their finery to support you. You deserve to be celebrated. The speeches are just about to begin when your bridesmaid announces (with glee) ‘hey everybody, great news, I’m pregnant’. Scene stealer. You are now vying for attention with a guest at your biggest day. I imagine that’s how the American Army felt when their 250-year anniversary was hijacked by big Donnie’s 79^th birthday. A ‘coincidence’ he tried to convince us. First rule of Freudian thinking – there is no such thing as coincidence.

Army personnel deserve to be celebrated. Army dodgers don’t. An army made up of Americans, including many of the people he loves to hate, the children of immigrants, women and members of the LGBT community deserve to be recognised and commended for their service. Arguably through better healthcare, lower taxes, affordable housing, job security and access to social care. Not through a costly parade that was highjacked by a spiteful orange bridesmaid.

But once a narcissist… there was no way the Felon was going to pass up the chance to reign supreme in a military parade dreamt up to stroke his fragile ego. And as tens of thousands of people protested in the streets of cities all over America in the excellently executed ‘No Kings’ marches, the Felon leached off the warmth and respect Americans have for the dedicated service of their military personnel.

The parade may have been a bit well, underwhelming with bored MAGA fans exiting early as the drizzle dampened their already sober spirits. But in a time when some veterans are homeless, hungry, ill and destitute, this will go down as a moment of Trumpian self-indulgence that need never be repeated. Let’s raise a glass (and awareness and support) for all those veterans who have given so much and received so little back. Let the speeches be about what really matters. Scene stealers are not welcome.

There ends the lecture for today. Time for some fun. At his expense.

Psst, do you want to know a secret…?

Believe it or not, as a middle-aged British, tea obsessed, housewife and mother I have some friends in very high places. White House insiders non the less (perimenopausal women are a band of sisters, as our motto goes ‘those who sweat together, stick together). I have been very fortunate to receive some insider information from my American counterpart, White House tea lady, Mrs Smack. Mrs Smack has risked a one-way trip to the Gulag to smuggle out a copy of the Felon’s birthday messages for our delectation. I swear on the Felon’s life that all this is true and not a figment of my overactive imagination.

First up, a few carefully chosen words from Melania:

Violets are blue, roses are red

Happy birthday Donnie

Why aren’t you dead?

Lovely Melania, that’s the most words you have exchanged with him for months.

Next Sir Keir Starmer who went all ‘A.I’ and used a voice descriptor to send his message for Donnie:

Is this on? Do I just talk into it? Right, er. Here we go. Happy Birthday Donald. Hope you have an absolutely fabulous day. Looking forward to your visit to old Blighty soon. All the best. Cheerio. Kier. Is that it? Is it off? For fuck’s sake. Looking forward to the day they lower that bloated bloody tangerine into the ground more like. Fuck, can I take a week off when he comes over? This thing is off, isn’t it? Do I need to press this but..

Nice try Kier, perhaps ask an intern next time.

Even Kim Jong Un wanted to send a few words to the Felon:

Call that a parade. I have had bigger crowds cheer me on to the toilet. Fucking amateur. Happy Birthday loser.

Harsh but true.

Never mind. Big pal Benjamin Netanyahu had a few words of encouragement for Donnie.

Don. You wanted a distraction; I gave you the mother of distractions. But next time just ring in sick if you want to shake the media off. I’m not bailing you out again. You owe me. But you know that. Have a great day. Benny.

Surely, big pal Valdimir Putin, will have a friendly birthday message for the Felon. Let’s see:

Comrade Trumpski. If one dollar of the money I’m syphoning to you went on that shitshow of a birthday parade, your next happy meal will be delivered with a side order of Novichok. Consider yourself warned. Love to the Melania and the kids, Vlad.

Poor Donnie. Maybe you would like to add a birthday message of your own? Feel free to add in comments. With any luck this will be the last chance you will get!

• in case I get sued and lose my house ( I am mortgaged up to the hilt so might come as a bit of relief) I should point out that Mrs Smack does not exist. To be fair anyone who thought she did is probably not bothered about lawsuits.